Sunday, March 31, 2013

Brain Wandered Off

I just got back from a week of vacation. I'm not ready to post on my adventures, yet. The week did allow me lots of solitude in the Utah desert to ponder uninterrupted.

My life is probably going to change dramatically in the next few years. I don't know if it will change sooner or later in those years, gradually or suddenly, nor do I know "exactly" how it's going to change. I might move, I might not. If I move, I might move within Denver, or move to Utah, or Wyoming. Or I might buy a trimaran and sail the south Pacific until an abscessed tooth, storm, or something like that kills me. (A mountain man on a boat? WTF?) Realistically, on a boat without healthcare, I'm a sitting duck for happenstance.

I don't really like my job but I love the people there, mostly, and the pay is way more than I thought I'd ever get in life. I must say, since I don't look back much, they'll miss me more than I'll miss them, if I choose to leave. I'll have friends everywhere I go. (If I solo the ocean, I'll probably make friends with dolphins and gulls.)

I have given up very very much in the past two decades, for good reasons I don't regret. But the reasons for this are dwindling. I'm finding myself looking at my own end-days wondering what is best for me. While some see my ultra-running as selfish and narcissistic, it was anything but. It was necessary to let pressure off. If I'm going to deny the hell out of what I want in life to fulfill responsibilities, which I think are more important and make this world a better place, then I need to redirect my distracting energies down a rabbit-hole. That's what ultra-running was. It allowed me to stay in one place, or to keep returning to the same place, as if I were somewhat domesticated.

What's a good life?

Having a good, successful life has little to do with being awesome. I've known too many drug addicts, alcoholics, and generally fucked-up people who are now living very awesome and happy lives. When you're fucked-up, living a great life can be precarious, and you live bliss one day at a time, always aware that you don't deserve any of it (or much of it). You're aware of the whole luck part of it (religious people ascribe to benevolent deities).
Living a good life is about managing what is right and wrong about yourself, so that the pieces come together in a positive way for yourself and others. What goes around comes around.
When your life has been for many many years a pathetic train-wreck, and then you spend each day living the dream, you're always aware that one day someone or something might wake you up and it will be back to the old not-worth-living BS. There's no taking-for-granted with this sort of existence. There's always a large amount of apprehension. It's not like "that was then and this is now". It's more like that was then and probably is supposed to be now but somehow I've accidentally cheated in the hand I've been dealt. And the fear is, in the end the house always wins.

I love freedom more now than ever. Possessions can destroy your spirituality, can trap you in mind, body, and spirit, if you let them. I still meet adults who treat their cars and other possessions like children treat their teddy bear. They feel all sorts of creepy attachments to these things.
I've found, though, that people are far more encumbering than possessions. If you treat possessions like replaceable stuff/tools, then they have no power over you. But people aren't like that. You have relationships with people. And if you care, you cannot use them like replaceable tools. Things aren't the point; people and relationships are the point. So you have to allow yourself to be encumbered by the right kinds of people. Preferably people who are better than you, or people who at least have or do something better than you do it. Maybe it'll rub off on you? Hopefully?

We are all replaceable. Sure there are special things about some that can't be found again in anyone else. That's not what I mean. I mean that there are always others out there who can and will be your friend. Anyone we know can and will leave forever and they will find others. Or they die and that's that. Except things don't always happen for a reasons, like many say. "Meaning" happens only if we create the meaning in what happens. When our friends die, or they leave, if we turn our backs forever on these events, then there becomes no meaning in it. We build and manage lives, and we build and manage meaning in what happens.

So... what will I build next? Or epic fail?
What if I didn't have to flush any of my energies down a rabbit hole?
What if I could be completely me? (Is that possible for anyone, really?)
How many different versions of a healthy "me" are possible? One? Five?

There are over seven BILLION people on this planet, yet I'm not convinced that there is anyone for me. My thirst for freedom may not allow it, anymore. Years ago, I couldn't wait to be attached and settled-down, but things didn't work, and my dreams only metastasized more and more like a prisoner staring out a little cell window for decades. Now I might be ruined for the domesticated life.
I no longer seem capable of loneliness, yet life has taught me there is no meaning where there are no people or relationships.
I might be too untamed (untameable) to have a close relationship with anyone ever again. I'm wired heterosexual, yet without loneliness, there's little inclination to go down that road anymore. But what about when the body and mind fail? A bit of co-op from a partner sure could help when I'm in my 70's. Not to mention economic benefits from splitting expenses. But it is real hard for me to imagine myself with anyone; I just can't see it.

Somehow, though, I feel the impetus from within to look for "someone", and I'm being extremely picky, after all I've been through in life. I don't trust others, but more importantly, I don't trust myself in these matters. I don't seem to be a very good judge of character and I'm apparently easily fooled. So I will not be diving off the deep end of the pool, and might change my mind before getting "wet". There is a certainty: My life will change. I will either move and live alone, or I will move and live with someone else, but I will not stay where I am. I like the diversity that Denver offers and the density of friends, but there are too many laws/restrictions in this town, and the air is very bad for my lungs.

1 comment:

  1. Jeff, that must be one of your best "ruminations"...yeah, I know, I don't own many words in my dictionary:) I love how you just express yourself, and yes, we make choices and have reasons and then one day sudden, or not so and rather slowly we pull away to where we belong. I call it growing up? Less fear? Backwards for most people, but may be that's what ultrarunning taught us? What do I know?
    If it wasn't for Larry, I wasn't seeing myself with anyone. He wants to be with me regardless how I flip with all my freedom. Well, sometimes he flips too, but mostly he really accepts me - and that makes me feel so very good.
    I won't say you'll meet someone or not. Truly, it doesn't matter. I have a Muslim GF, who is a single mom and totally liberal as they get and very forward. But still prays and cultural and all. Who the heck will she ever find? I tell her that, straight in the face. But she also lives an incredibly rich life. I hope she cherishes that.
    Anyhow, sail on. Thanks for letting me know you still check up on me.


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