Thursday, December 29, 2011


This year was carbonated - it fizzled. I pretty much lost steam in life back in April. After years of realizing my relationship days are long gone, and then things at work went terribly wrong - unjustifiably - my morale hit the pits. Not much seemed worth any effort. I normally am a very enthusiastic person who throws his passion into everything. I'm creative and fast-moving. I'm extremely effective.
But I lost all my steam.

The politics of this country and direction it's taken, and how far in debt its gone makes me believe there is no way this country is going to survive. The only question is how long the death-throes will take. And how many other countries will die with us in this global economy?

My job looks like a dead-end. I am loyal to the core, but there have been too many times where certain key entities have basically told me "wait", don't", "do this instead" (knowing full well some other entity will have my ass if I do). I'm between a rock and a hard place. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. It's the worst mess since I got hired. But at least I still have a job, even if the joy is completely gone.

My brothers hope some day we'll have a ranch near Buena Vista. We're trying to figure out how we can afford it, and how we'll make a living. It could be many years away.
One of my brothers has been unemployed for years now. Heck, people we're hiring at work were unemployed for 1.5-2yrs on average.
My son can't find a job. He's going back to school in June - I hope I still have a job and I can still afford his tuition.

My right foot has been pretty bad since early Fall. It shows no sign of improvement. As far as I know, my foot will hurt until the day I die. I'm just glad I can still run some. It's bearable.
I have too many injured friends. Ultra-running can be cruel if you pretend you're invulnerable and just like everyone else. Some do fine running 100's their whole life. Others die from health issues. Most of us are in-between, and we should admit it. not too quickly, mind you - too many people accept limitations too soon and give up. If you accept excuses, you'll never achieve anything - you'll never be all you can be. But it's a dumb thing to cripple yourself for the last several decades of your life, like many of my friends have done.

My life feels like I'm backed into a corner and there's no way out. It's not the worst "corner" a guy could find himself in - I still feel fortunate as hell. I'm still pretty healthy and employed. I'm not about to lose the house. I'm not going hungry and not worried about how I'm going to feed myself. That's some degree of hope.
But it isn't happiness.
That pretty much sums up 2011 to me. Sorry for the downer, but it's all I have. It could be worse.


  1. :( Jeff, wishing you a much better, healthier, and happier 2012. Some days it takes all I've got not to feel like the world is circling the drain with no hope of bouncing back. Days like those I have to take a little time out and list those things that I am grateful for (being able to run the trails and be outside, family etc).
    I hope with all my heart things pick up for you. And hey, who said there's a time limit for relationships?!

  2. This post makes me sad. I'm sorry that life is going like this JeffO. Your post inspired a few thoughts/questions:

    1. Your days for relationships aren't ever over, unless you want them to be. My mom is 65. Her husband of almost 40 years passed away five years ago. Three years ago, she began dating another man. 1.5 years ago he died of cancer. Now my mom has met another man and is dating him. If she can do it, so can you. You have to want to, though. :)

    2. Let's talk about your foot. Why does it hurt? Yours and my PF started around the same time a few years ago. Is this the pain you still have or is it something new?

    I've always been a big fan of you, so I'm rooting for you in 2012!

  3. You guys misunderstand - I don't want a romantic or sexual relationship. I have an active social life. I like people, I like being exposed to a rich collage of ideas, even ones I strongly disagree with. It keeps my mind open, dynamic, and healthy. But I relish going home alone, where I can experience a refuge from stress and hassles. Laying in my bed alone at night is one of the best battery-recharging experiences left in my life. There's no yearnings; no loneliness.
    I finally realized a few years ago that I was no longer lonely, and it took me by surprise. I think most people spend their whole lives lonely, and this gives them incentive to seek companionship from exclusive relationships. I'm not compelled in that way.
    I wondered if this was a passing thing, but I realize this isn't a phase - it's the way I am.

    My foot is a whole new thing. It seems to be the fascia around the ligaments on top of my foot.
    My PF is gone.
    Arthritis runs in the family. I've had it since I was 7 or 8y.o. I've done pretty well to make it this far. Not sure how long my Dorian Gray will work.


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